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Dear Audi @JessicaB_Diva

1909
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My name is Diva and I drive a 3L A4 Convertible. It is my pleasure (not) to write to you fucktards today. I would LOVE to tell you all about my fantastic car but I cant because its shit. Allow me to explain. I bought the car 6 months ago, it has a full Audi service history and only 2 previous owner. Let me talk you through it so hopefully, you’ll resolve these issues for future models… well I doubt it but I’m going to anyway.

First, the most annoying thing with the car is the window. What is up with that? I can tell your dying to know, well… like anyone i like surprises, however when getting in my car after an extremely long sweaty gym session about to set off on a 2.5 hour car journey, I popped the window down to de-steam the car (I’m hot you see) I’m not too keen on the surprise of whether or not window will in fact come back up. Imagine just how pleased I was on a freezing cold stormy night with torrents of sideways rain falling knowing I had to drive 120mph (well of course I didn’t have to drive that fast but I wanted to arrive as quickly as possible to get out the dam thing) It had to be the drivers side window of course.. now yes I chose a convertible but purely with the option of keeping the cold and rain OUT when required, not so that I would have to have a hoody, waterproof coat and heaters on full blast. I stopped at my mothers house so I could vent and naturally get out and kick it a few times, (universal mechanics trick that fixes most problems) granted it was slightly ‘over dramatic’ F’in and blinding something about hopefully not making it home alive and that I hate my life but still.

Oh and lets not forget to discuss the couple of times the tires have blown out leaving me stranded in the dark on a motorway in the RAIN.. granted this could have been my fault, I mean what is this PSI thing anyway! You may have guessed by now but I don’t like to get my hair wet so this really pisses me off quite frankly. I particularly like how the window mocks me, by working perfectly when I get someone out to look at it then promptly jamming again the second I cancel the call out, I’m certain I even hear subtle laughing coming from the door. I’ve never been a fan of Christmas so the fact that the  dash lights up like a Christmas tree on a regular basis makes me want to punch myself in the face. Its got more faults than Jodie Marsh… and to be quite honest its probably had as much work done. Its an extremely pleasant experience when the multi tronic/triptronic gear box behaves like a man (very selective on when its actually going to work or not) I’m sure your only too aware of these kinds of problems as you must have lots of people telling you how rubbish your cars are all the time. SO do I folk out the vast amount of money to fix the dam thing or send it to the scrap heap in the sky?? I even went to the rough side of town and parked it on tesco’s car park (other supermarkets are available) with the window jammed down in the hope that someone would steal the fucking thing.

Never a reliable thief around when you need one (next time I’ll opt for Lidl) I’m seriously running out of options with this. I shot myself in the foot with my honesty about the car as even when i opened the bidding to my friends and family at 3 Haribos and a Mars Bar I still didn’t get any takers. I would also like to add that I’ve given you a cute little nickname Actually Useless Destroy It (AUDI) So… allow me to strike a deal with you ehhhh??? You can have it for 3 magic beans, a flying carpet, a donkey or a hovercraft. Or you can by all means send me a car that works. No but seriously, I think I got my first wrinkle because of the stress this piece of crap has caused me. I wish it would get struck by lightning or abducted by aliens so they can probe it and see how it actually works, since nobody on Earth can tell me. Or even nicked and burned out by a load of delinquent underage Chavs. I’d probably risk the £1000 fine and buy them beer if they would just rid me of it. That said I do feel special, as I’m pretty sure my car is one of a kind. I’ve sat and thought about it a lot really. As you can imagine I get a lot of time to think as I rarely go out for fear of my car conking out completely, so i just don’t bother. Maybe the car has perhaps been possessed by a Audi poltergeist, in that case could you recommend a good exorcist?

Yours Insanely

Diva xx

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