I’ve absconded from (love) life for nearly two years now so I’m starting to think its time I hit the dating game again. Trouble is nothing annoys me more than shit company, shit monotone chit chat with no banter.. I’d seriously rather sit in a teeny weeny tiny little box with no air holes watching paint dry than be subjected to a terrible date that’s like pulling teeth one by one from a live alligator (tedious and a bit stupid) But if on the off chance I may meet someone charismatic who stimulates me mentally and ticks at least 1.5 million of my 2.3 million boxes then this dating thing might not work out too badly after all.
Where might I find such a specimen I hear you ask? Internet dating seems to be all the rage these days, it seems regardless of your shit interests (birdwatcherbuddy.com) or cross section of the community (Plenty of Fish) religion (Christian mingle) vocation (uniform dating) net worth (sugar daddy) or even shockingly, your marital status (illicitencounters.com) there’s a site for that!
Now I’ve not looked Into this malarkey yet but one must assume that as females have been the gender of the human race to evolve into a new hybrid sub species in the 21st century know only as “Alpha” The websites in question surely cater for this revolutionary breed..
Adaptations, new tick boxes added such as..
> Must not live within a 25 miles radius as I like my own space
> Please leave this box ticked if you require your male to have a backbone to accompany his balls
> Preferably less issues than the entire current series of Jeremy Kyle. So unattractive, I need a man not a project!
> Apply only if when told to fuck off, you actually do
> Untick this box if you wish to be let out wearing an outfit of your choice without world war three erupting
> Check box if you require your match to have enough about him to club you across the head and drag you into his cave (I think this is a dying breed, instead we’re left with those whispering kind that tell you ‘I love you’ during sex… The first time #vom)
Same interests required:
Dior (the buying of)
Diamonds (regular buying of)
Long walks in the country
Pretty standard I’m sure you’ll agree
I’ve attempted this once and it lasted all of a week, after being relentlessly hounded by propositions of a date at Maccy D’s and alf in de local in’it (trust me I wrote that eloquently in comparison to the reality) My inbox and “matches” made week ones Facebook trolls blog seem like total gents!!
You hear horror stories all the time, you think you’re talking to footballer or a lingerie model, turn up to a pre arranged location and low and behold chiselled Adonis turns out to be closer resembling a middle aged, overweight mere-cat on acid wearing chains and zebra print.
I’ve certainly had successes from the odd FB date over the years- by successes I mean, had between 1-5 dates with guys in different area codes and never had to see them again… ever #win
That said I’ve also made some friends that way too!
I connect very rarely with people on that level, if I’m not interested (which i’m normally not) you’ll know about it. I can’t entertain any sort of act, very direct and often brutally straight talking. I’m regularly told I’m “undateable” with all of the above in mind, that’s clearly a ludicrous notion.. I’m a catch?!
Internet dating.. Is this the future of dating or a breeding ground for stalkers, habitual liars and loons..
Hit me up on twitter with your thoughts and experiences @JessicaB_Diva